Watching The Expendables was like being badly let down by someone you adore when you were a kid. I'd worked myself into a froth of expectation, only to be served up a mixture of angst, gunfire and poor CGI. For solace I turned towards a reassuring presence, like a lover who turns to an old flame in times of need.
And what an old flame it was. We pitched up to the Prince Charles Cinema to watch Arnie in the pinnacle of 80s macho action flicks, Commando. Sharing the theatres with a couple of hundred fanboys we whooped and hollered our approval during the opening credits. No nuanced, thoughtful heroes here..
I wasn't old enough to catch Commando on its release in 1985. My peers and I got our Arnie kicks on the small screen during the early 90s, and we couldn't get enough of what we saw. Transfer this movie to the big screen and the experience becomes even louder, bloodier and more entertaining.
Not since watching Ghostbusters have I witnessed such a level of audience response. This film has cult status, and it warmed my heart to be in a crowd of worshipers who felt the same. We laughed in all the right places, gasped at the substandard acting and lack of continuity. But most of all, we relished the punchlines, Arnie's metal piping wisecrack nearly earning a standing ovation at the end.
The blemishes of this film are as blatant as the caterpillar moustache on Bennett's upper lip when you watch it up close. Firstly Arnie himself, his inappropriate deadpan is just hysterical. His unblinking eyes and sweaty, shiny countenance are so reminiscent of the Terminator that a viewer struggles to believe he is the caring, family man we are expected to think he is. One minute the man is tenderly feeding a deer with his daughter, the next minute he is shooting a man in cold blood without a second thought! It's that contrast which runs through the film, making it unbelievable, but hilariously funny.
You don't fully appreciate the magnitude of the killing till its magnified onto a 30 foot screen in front of you. It's relentless, clinical and utterly run of the mill. No 'war is hell' message here, Matrix mows down the villains with ruthless efficiency, all the while with the expression of someone suffering just a minor inconvenience in their day. Devotees of film always state the 80s action films portray US military might and in Commando we see Uncle Sam at his most powerful and assertive. Arnie's assault of the enemy stronghold is a case in point. He is a one man tide of death who cannot be stopped, killing everyone in opposition to him. GW Bush's line of "You're either with us, or with the evildoers" comes to mind - it really is THAT black and white. It's the final scene that cracks me up - Matrix declines the offer to sett up his unit again, flying off into the sunset with daughter and love interest back to...? A multiple murder inquiry, surely? As soon as Matrix steps back into civilian life, he's toast and the cops will be waiting for him when the happy family get home.
I guess he could kill all of them, too, mind..
Vernon Wells as Bennett is worth the cost of the ticket alone. The filmmakers went for the merciless serial killer yin to Arnie's shiny, rippling yang - but gave the viewer's expectations a real shaking. Why the overweight Australian Freddie Mercury look? What were they thinking !?? Bennett's first real appearance is from Matrix's sprawled POV, we here the heavy thump of his boots off camera, he sounds like a badass and we expect someone formidable. But, the enormous belly in a chainmail vest, all topped off with homoerotic caterpillar moustache? The look screams 'partyboy' to me. Were the Village People in the market for another member in the 80s or something? His delivery is a work of genius, spanning the whispery staccato "Put your knife away and shut..your mouth" to the full on google eyed war perv "I don't need a gun.. I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW!!" Picking such an atypical villain in such a murder by numbers action flick makes Commando the standout flick of the genre for me. Alongside laughable continuity errors and allusions to Arnie's super abilities (he'd give the X-Men a run for their money), it's the presence of Bennett which gives us fanboys such a warm glow when we're watching.
Its Ghostbusters at the PCC, next. And I for one, cannot wait. I'm sure there's gonna be a couple of hundred fans in the ticket queue who will be feeling the same.
Alex
