The Beatles - Blackbird

Little baby Gerri came into the world on Sunday about 4.30pm. It ended very suddenly, Ellen's hearty sucking on the gas and air reached a climax, she sat upright soon after and it was over.

Like that. The nurse looked at me with kind concern and asked "You Ok?" and my stress addled mind twigged that baby had entered into the world.

We then waited. Ellen had to go into surgery to make sure everything was alright (will spare you the details) and was finally out by 12. She finally drifted to sleep back in the room and I took the floor. My battle for sleep with the reclining chair lost and the desire to rest too great. Oily, tired and feeling like I'd been beaten around the head, I curled up at the foot of the bed and slept.

It's Tuesday now. I'm writing this at home where things are starting to feel more normal again. The weekend feels like it was of another time, the slow torture of our time at hospital will stay with me for many years, especially seeing what E went through. It felt fitting to give baby a name, especially after seeing the black and white pictures of the little one, so small yet so perfect. One of the nurses even took some foot and hand prints which she presented to us in a card. To be surrounded by tragedies of early infant death must take its toll but the nurses and sisters treated us with such tenderness and concern. One was a bit stern and grumpy, I christened her 'Chuckles' which brought a smile to Ellen's face.

Despite all we went through we managed a laugh, and will continue to in the weeks and months to come. X will be returning from Ashford on Friday so life will continue. He cleaned up round his Dads' for Christmas and will return laden with more treats and gifts than he knows what to do with. We mean to have a clear out of his old stuff and will have the time to do so. Whether motivation comes is another matter. I've started on the washing so I can distract myself, but also to keep the twitchy feeling of doing something at bay. More than ever the mental to-do list cycles through my brain, interspersed with sadder moments of introspection.

Still I feel positive today. Our little one has left us and we'll never forget her, but things do go on.

... it didn't turn out as we'd hoped.

We'd been in high spirits. Optimistic at the long odds, hoping for the best, whatever. When the test results came in Tuesday evening they hit hard.

Baby's test result came up positive for Trisonomy 21. That sounds like a nightclub, I know. Actually it's a positive test for Down's Syndrome and we were both in pieces.

Last night and today have been the hardest 24 hours of my life. I've been through that thick, overpowering grief that leaves you either numb or tears you apart. Luckily for us we have Xander to keep us strong and together. It being Christmas he's in the finest of spirits and we will do nothing to spoil that for him.

23rd will be an early Xmas for us, gifts and grub with Mum before X goes off to spend a few days with his Dad. This'll buy us some breathing space in which we can take our next steps. Committing those to text is something I can't do right now, we've made a decision which is about as dreadful as it gets, but the right one nonetheless.

I don't think December 25th will ever be the same for me again though. Hopefully the dregs of the year pass by quickly and 2011 gives us a fresh start. That's the thought keeps me going right now.

Anyway, if you're reading this before Christmas Day I hope yours is a festive and happy one.

A.

Mini me latest..

For the first time ever, I'm writing this from the polar environs of Ellen's attic. Yes, my PC has finally followed me over to KT8 and is resident in the loft.

Latest news on the parenthood front is mixed. We had the 13 week scan and blood test where little junior refused to show his/her face. The resulting 2D computer snap would only be of fascination to mothers or people of a similar persuasion. Head? Check! Spine? Check! The results were emailed off to family for their delectation. Any pregnancy layman would've been underwhelmed with the results though.

The thing that really got my attention is the fact that the little one is pretty much perfectly formed, already! The dance of the ultrasound scan showed the skeletal system, a strongly beating heart, two hemispheres of the brain.. all seems in place and baby is only the length of a packet of cigarettes..

We were in fine spirits till Thursday when Ellen received a call following the blood test. According to analysis the baby has a one in five chance of developing Down's Syndrome. It's complex, but we were required to pay a visit to St George's Hospital in Tooting today for a more invasive procedure. I think we were both in shock when we walked into the grey 1970s hospital block, poor Ellen more than I. Will spare you the details, but we left in much finer spirits. The staff we saw were incredibly attentive, from the slightly tired looking receptionist who looked like one of the daughters out of 'Desmonds' to the kindly, bassy voiced consultant in scrubs who reminded me of Vijay Singh. His optimism and cheery manner put us both at ease and we left the place is much higher spirits than we first drew up this morning.

The results of the latest procedure should reach us by Thursday at the latest, Tuesday at the earliest. We've resolved to be optimistic till then and to occupy ourselves in the meantime. As my sister says, resorting to tired folksy cliche which is so unlike herself: 'It aint over till the fat lady sings...

She is right though...

A.

A taste of winter..

Boy versus tree..

Early December 2010 - freezing and snowy in Hampton Court Park. I love all the shades of white, black and grey. If it's like this right now, the prospect of bleak winter looms.

So winter's early this year. The usual December dank and dark has been replaced with something frankly arctic in 2010. The powdery stuff's a joy, it comes up in satisfying handfuls which can be shaped and thrown with pleasure (see the first pic above). However the winter wonderland vibe gets tired pretty quick. A light dusting of pavements and roads alike becomes icy and impassable for both the old folks and the SUVs.

With the sunshine today, its thankfully all in full retreat. The usual English winter (mild and Vitamin D deficient) will be in full affect again soon.

For the time being, that is. What odds for a rerun?

A.