My life over the last couple 18 months has been enriched beyond range and measure. The two people who have come into my life have made it worth living, but at a cost. The dissatisfaction with the rest of my life has come into sharper focus. Not wanting to unload on my blog, Ill try to retain a certain amount of humour here. It’s just that during my office hours I sit in at a desk feeling my will to live dissipate and float out the window sometimes. Humour can be a salve, but it really isn’t soothing like it once did.
Working in the gym still stretches and stimulates me. Gives me happiness and hope. But being stuck in a job where the principle motivation is a free supply of tea and coffee makes me think something needs to be done… my day to day existence is just so inane! Of course the more positive thinker would rightfully tell me to buck my ideas up and be more constructive with my time. Problem is my office time has simply become so banal, I’ve just given up on it. My team mask is slipping and the notion of ‘playing the game’ at work is swiftly becoming an anathema. I sit here, my bonhomie slowly fragmenting and my true apathetic countenance being revealed slowly underneath. I listen to my work colleagues conversation on topics like ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ and the latest entertainment news with apathy verging on despair. How much longer will I submit myself to the mediocrity of this 9-5? Having a 20 minute commute and a comfy paycheck lessens the blow significantly but my achievements and growth here do not amount to much. Frankly the last three years of my work life make me feel pretty inadequate. Before Ellen and Xander turned up, this didn’t really matter, I just muddled through on a combination of good humour and compassion. Today this approach seems risible, I’m 32 years old and working in a job with routine and no responsibility. Feel I owe it to myself and to those I love. As without them in my life, it really doesn’t amount to much.
So what am I doing? Well, Im cramming as much stuff into my life as possible to counter the mediocrity of my daily grind. There are so many aspects of my life that I need to work on to make myself a better person, but there are is just not enough time to squeeze them all in. Once in a while I get my running shoes on and pound the pavement or have a workout. Both of which give me a remarkable sense of tranquility. Other times I hanker after a smoke or a bottle of gin (with mixer, natch) and to indulge in a real ‘sod ‘em all’ moment. Thankfully I don’t gratify those whims, all my pleasures seem to be more on the virtuous side.
Still, I worry. I don’t want to antagonise my nearest and dearest by chasing the dream of being a better man. But at the same time, what do I whilst my joie de vivre slowly dissipates?
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