... it didn't turn out as we'd hoped.

We'd been in high spirits. Optimistic at the long odds, hoping for the best, whatever. When the test results came in Tuesday evening they hit hard.

Baby's test result came up positive for Trisonomy 21. That sounds like a nightclub, I know. Actually it's a positive test for Down's Syndrome and we were both in pieces.

Last night and today have been the hardest 24 hours of my life. I've been through that thick, overpowering grief that leaves you either numb or tears you apart. Luckily for us we have Xander to keep us strong and together. It being Christmas he's in the finest of spirits and we will do nothing to spoil that for him.

23rd will be an early Xmas for us, gifts and grub with Mum before X goes off to spend a few days with his Dad. This'll buy us some breathing space in which we can take our next steps. Committing those to text is something I can't do right now, we've made a decision which is about as dreadful as it gets, but the right one nonetheless.

I don't think December 25th will ever be the same for me again though. Hopefully the dregs of the year pass by quickly and 2011 gives us a fresh start. That's the thought keeps me going right now.

Anyway, if you're reading this before Christmas Day I hope yours is a festive and happy one.

A.